old cassettes and cigarettes.

wow, it’s been forever since i last posted on this blog

i don’t know, i felt like it tonight (or i guess this morning would be more accurate, it’s almost 3am)

because ben asked me to get an apartment with him the other day and i still don’t really know what i should do

because things could get messy and i don’t want our friendship to fall apart like that

idk i suck at emotions and decisions and life

Courtney Martin

That last sentence.

(via midwest-belle)

(Source: sassysluteverforever, via themegs)

jacob used the word “outgoing” to describe me a few days ago and it’s so odd because even a few months ago that’s the last word i would ever associate with myself

but i’ve been thinking about it and it’s weird because for so long it was just a “fake it til you make it” type thing, but now it’s so…effortless

i’m so comfortable, at least when it comes to work, with introducing myself to people and giving tours and training and helping guests and i dunno

it’s kind of awesome

it’s odd how much you can change in a few months without even noticing it

walker-wandell:

oh, hey, guys. :)

(Source: iwontletthisgetme)

i can’t really tell if this period that i’m in right now is a period of transition and movement forward, or if i’m once again stuck in one place just spinning my wheels

there are days when i feel like i’m finally getting somewhere, but that never lasts long

as of late, i’ve been working in the waterpark at a resort in the dells, and it’s not awful

i, at least, feel like i can look myself in the mirror when i get home in a way i couldn’t when i was working at walmart

i don’t really enjoy the work (or at least, i don’t on the days that i work park services - i quite enjoy working on the desk), but it pays better than cashiering did, so i suppose that’s something

mentally, though… i feel like this is the worst place i’ve been since i was 16, and i don’t really know what to do about it

i can feel myself drawing back into myself a lot again as time goes on, and i don’t want that

along with this new wave of unwellness has come the strangest bout of mood swings

i can’t remember the last time i went from “so angry i could throw things” to wanting to cry in five seconds flat

the weirdest things can make the biggest difference in my mood, and the tiniest things seem to make up the fine line between a really good day and a really bad one

for instance, if i’m at work and i wind up on break with my crush and we wind up talking, it doesn’t seem to matter what happens during the rest of my day, i’m going to be in a fantastic mood

but if, say, i’m supposed to be working on the desk and they pull me to work park services, that ruins my entire day and possibly week

it’s frustrating, because i try so hard to stay in a good mood when i’m at work, but…well, as most of you know, it’s hard to project a good mood if all you want to do is go home, crawl in bed, and never come back out

some days i feel like it’s maybe getting a little bit better, but then days like today happen

i don’t even know what’s wrong with me but god i hate it

walker-wandell:

you know, i’m definitely not where i envisioned myself at this point in my life, but i think i’m okay with that. i imagined that, by now, i’d be off at some amazing university (because i’m kind of a pretentious prick) and that i’d be doing something useful with my life and i would be growing into a productive member of society. that was always The Plan. and then after sophomore year… i ripped up The Plan. i took a different path and i wound up here. working retail and still living here while everyone else is off at college. and i was bitter about that for a long time. some days i still am. but right now? no regrets. i’m glad i’m here. i’m glad that i’m taking my time. i’m glad that i took a step back, because for awhile, i was in a really bad place. it’s still not quite sunny and 75 in my head, but things feel like they’re looking up.

everything in transit.

(Source: iwontletthisgetme)

i’m probably not moving to ann arbor as soon as i’d hoped (and maybe not until i start school) because i can’t seem to find a place to live and things are just super stressful

i wish i could just hop on a bus and go crash on my friends’ couches/floors for awhile because god i want to get out of here for awhile

jagular:

that awkward moment when 

WHAT THE FUCK EVEN BRITTANY AND PATTY ARE IN THE CAB’S LINER NOTES OMG :3

so this happened and i’m just very :) :) :)

(Source: screwsmissing)

i really don’t think anyone would notice or care if i just…disappeared.

they might notice when they needed something, but then i’m sure they’d find another doormat to walk all over eventually.

i feel like my life just…doesn’t have a purpose. i barely have any friends here, i never get to see the friends who make me feel like i’m not worthless, my own family could give a fuck about me, and i feel like a failure of a human being. just peachy, isn’t it?

and now i feel even worse for throwing myself a pity party over here but god i can’t stop crying tonight and i just want to curl up and disappear.

lately i’m feeling so damn lonely. i feel like i’m constantly doing everything for everyone else and nothing for myself and like i’m just going through the motions like some type of machine. it’s scary as hell. i feel trapped and i feel like i can’t breathe. i just want to lay in bed all day and find a way to make it all go away.